Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE SummerSlam: The Universal Championship was born, and Finn Bálor became the first-ever WWE Universal Champion. The reign lasted most of a day. Also, Jon Stewart joined the New Day and Brock Lesnar mauled Randy Orton’s face.
If you missed SummerSlam and (1) don’t know how to watch it, somehow, or (2) are too lazy to go to WWE Network and find it yourself,
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE SummerSlam 2017 for August 20, 2017.
Worst: Greg Valentine With an Open Mic
I very rarely give any attention to kickoff-panels in WWE. It is there to recap what has happened for anyone who doesn’t really follow WWE. In case you didn’t know, following WWE is kind of my job. However when I saw the glimpse of pre-show panel my curiosity piqued.
There he was, the man, the myth, the legend - Greg Valentine! Well, considering he looks exactly like my aunt I guess he’s less of a man but nevertheless. I thought he looked like he was 600
20 years ago and somehow the years have not been kind. If you would claim he was pushing 900 I would believe you.
Anyways, to a big shocker - he has absolutely nothing to say. Unless it’s something incredibly racist or sexist (shocker, I know, I said it already) he just mumbles something that hardly makes sense. It is almost hilarious in an awkward sitcom type of way. If the camera would have panned straight to Miz’ face after every line Greg said, this could have been an episode of The Office.
Best/Worst: If A Kickoff Has The Best Match On The Card But No-one Is Around To See It, Did It Really Happen?
I don’t really blame everyone for not being there when the show started. It’s 6 hours of sitting on your seat and the premise of La Sombra masked The Hulk known as Kevin Owens versus The Artist Formerly Known as La Sombra isn’t the most captivating sounding thing on the card. Sure, the wrestling might be fine, but G1 just ended and I can guarantee you there’ll be nothing like Omega/Okada on this card. Probably not even anything like Yano/Tonga.
Anyways, the 5% of the crowd that actually got there in time saw the match of the night. It was a basic premise: Andrade Almas really wanted to get out of NXT before it becomes a saturday morning cartoon and Owens really wants to get out of the preshow by bumping like a maniac.
They even made the mask seem significant by playing it out like it had magic powers. If you think that’s stupid and has no place in wrestling, why are you still wasting your time with WWE in 2017? This was like the most normal thing that happened on the show. At least it didn’t have anything to do with foam.
In the end Almas gets the mask to itself and beats Owens and then…
Best: Destined To Be Best Friends Forever
Sami Zayn comes out to help Owens. It’s a sweet moment that really does play into their multilayered history that has spanned over a decade.
Which means I totally expect WWE to either A) bury this angle in an instant B) forgetting it ever happened and thus never referencing it ever again.
Worst: 2 Championship Matches (out of 4 total) On a Pre-Show
I guess I should mention that out of all the championships across both brands, only 4 are defended. Half of which happen on the kickoff. Am I being overly Jim Cornette here if I say that’s absolutely stupid idea? In which universe is Mojo Rawley’s triangle drama more important than 2 of your championship matches? Not only does it devalue the titles, it devalues the whole promotion in conjunction. I guess I should be happy that at least these titles are getting some recognition compared to both women’s championships but you know. It’s the little things that always irks me the most.
Worst: State Of Your Cruiserweight Division
In an effort to bury cruiserweight division once again, WWE pairs Enzo Amore with the Hardy Boyz who for some reason abandoned their ludicrously successful indy careers to come to WWE to be mad at cruiserweights. Does it make sense? No. Does anything really, deep down?
Amore does the kind of standard Amore promo that’s both confusing and amusing but it’s also the best part of the whole match. You see, he’s wrestling Sean Maluta’s garbage ass and probably the worst “inside joke” ever, the feared VACANT. Remember when in the 90s Russo booked the hardcore wrestling board fans in mind? This is kind of similar thing except the aim seems to be to book the worst jokes they find on reddit or twitter or whatever. How many times have you seen something like “VACANT belongs into the hall of fame, he has so many championships!!!!1”? Well, this is that kind of joke.
Anyways. Enzo wins after doing all the Hardy moves he can because he has absolutely moves of his own. And after murdering Sean Maluta with a worked botch. Somehow it’s not the worst thing to happen to the division.
Worst: RyBaxel Can’t Beat Emma On Their Own
Imagine this. A single 130 pound girl against 2 men - one of which is the son of Mr. Perfect and the other looks like his steroids take steroids - and a woman that’s at least 5 inches taller. Who wins? If you said the team that’s actually a team wins, you’re wrong. Sure, they might have ‘won’ the match but they got absolutely annihilated by Emma. Actually the only reason they won the titles was because WWE decided that now was the perfect time to bring back clumsy loser Cesaro who is such a awful idiot he falls on top of Emma, knocking her out. From an apron. Over the ropes.
Makes you wish he was still jodeling, huh?
Overall the match wasn’t bad. Emma is surprisingly good at pretending to be a MMA-fighter despite having no training at all. However, on a parallel universe this event could have seen Samoa Joe & Jimmy Uso against Mustafa Ali & Apollo Crews with an ending that might make sense. It makes me mad we probably see that on a random SmackDown down the line.
Best: John Cena vs. Zack Ryder
Let’s get the elephant out of the bag first: This is a stupid stipulation. The idea is that Cena is going to face the whole Impact roster - which apparently means 12 people. Imagine being so low on the totem pole that you can’t even get on the match where the idea is to have every person from the roster.
However, the first part of the whole mess is actually pretty great. Ryder and Cena go for about 10 minutes. It’s really house showey match that relies a lot on signature moves and hey, it’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you just want to see something familiar and easy to chew. The best (and in retrospect, the worst) part is that Ryder makes a huge upset and actually wins Cena clean. I almost burst my water out of my mouth when I saw that. Are we finally getting the Zack Ryder run we wanted in 2011?
Worst: The Rest Of This Damn 12 Rounds
It took 10 minutes from Cena to lose to Ryder. I can live with that. It took less than another 10 minutes from Cena to lose to Bobby Lashley, Rhyno, Dana Warrior, Dustin Runnels, Simon Gotch, Erick Rowan, Black Savage and Nikki Bella.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Best: Mojo Rawley’s Family Matters Part 34
In the last episode of Mojo Rawley’s Family Matters Mojo & Fandango faced Murphy & Noam Dar. It wasn’t super exciting but from the Mojo Rawley’s Family Matters point of view it ended in a brawl to the back Jim Duggan special. I always wonder how long they keep fighting. Maybe they should end one show with brawl to the back and start the next one with the same people brawling to the ring? At least it would be funnier than VACANT.
Anyways. As is tradition with Mojo Rawley and his PPV extravaganzas, he had one of the best matches of the night. I’ve seen Mojo’s house show matches so I know he’s absolutely balls at psychology so it does make me wonder who they hired to be his personal road agent who lays out these matches for him. Is he the newest Pat Patterson personal project? I guess it helps that he’s wrestling the better half of the most underrated tag team of all time - Buddy Murphy straight from the Dubstep Cowboys. Who thank god got rid of the dubstep when he made it to the main roster. It also helps that they basically allow Mojo to do any move he’s physically able to do though tonight it seemed like the only move he wanted to do was Stinger splash.
Also as is tradition with Mojo Rawley’s Family Matters PPV-matches is that this is an overbooked mess yet it still makes sense and is awesome. 32 interferences and plot twists later Mojo finally wins after Alexa stabs Buddy Murphy in the back and leaps on top of him with a Twisted Bliss from the ladder. The lovers (kayfabe) love rekindle as Bliss dumps Murphy (kayfabe, they are still very much engaged) and all is well in the world.
Worst: The Most Underwhelming CM Punk Return Part 2
Oh right. This happened as well. So in the middle of Mojo beating Murphy, the referee gets knocked out. Surprise, surprise - it’s CM Punk. The crowd absolutely went bananas because holy shit, it’s CM Punk. He does this good, sinister promo on the state of Money In The Bank and WWE on the whole and then… he jobs to Ol’ Papa Rawley and David Otunga. I’m surprised the crowd didn’t go full WCW on them and start throwing thrash and beer to the ring. Actually, scrap that. I’m more surprised they didn’t go full ECW on them - throwing stairs and rioting.
At least it didn’t have an OVW sticker
Best: Shane McMahon’s Sneaker Watch
Yup. They sure are tasty.
Best: Noam Dar Threatening Shane’s Kids
Shane McMahon truly is the best McMahon. He’s never afraid to lose. He’s never afraid to risk his life for stupid bumps even Johnny Knoxville would think twice about. And his punches are so bad that you can’t wait but to see them and see how painfully awful the recipients selling is. It’s like owning a pug - you know it’s ugly but you still love it nevertheless. It’s not like I want to see Shane everywhere and it definitely is a positive that they wrote Shane out for a while but if I went on a deserted island and had to bring only 1 McMahon with me, it would be Shane.
The match is pretty straight forward. Noam destroyes Shane’s leg which means he has hard time doing Shooting Star’s or Coast to Coast’s which actually plays into the finish spectacularly. Shane with his broken leg goes for a coast to coast but can’t get enough air and falls flat and Noam gets an easy win because of that. Is this some fine ring psychology or what?
However my favorite moment of the match is right in the beginning. Noam gets out of the ring, sees Shane’s family and does a cutt-throat taunt at them. It’s somehow super evil and really fits into Noam’s “kill everyone” gimmick. Shane’s response is even better: he just appears out of frame and splashes on top of Noam.
I guess I should also mention how after the match Noam tries to hit his patented Eta Carinae on Shane (yay!) only for Hideo Itami to make his anticipated return (yay!) and save Shane (nay!) only to fail spectacularly and allow Noam to kick Shane in the head (yay!). Why are non-championship storylines in cw-division always so much better than the actual turds that happen around the championship.
Worst: The Curious Case Of Trinity Fatu
You know how during the kickoffs they sometimes go around the building and interview the fans? It’s usually just a pissbreak segment. Not this time however. They did have the hilariously robotic Dasha Fuentes go around and interview this equally robotic kid when suddenly - out of all the possible people - Naomi beats the shit out of this poor fan.
OK so I kind of understand Naomi’s point here. The women are not really represented in this event since none of the women’s championships are on the line. Considering most of Naomi’s screen time this year has been being eye candy for BiHive, it’s not completely out of character to get mad. However in the last few weeks Naomi has been on fire considering she was the second to last in the #1 contender battle royal for women’s title and she’s in the finals for #1 contender for SD women’s title. So I guess now she’s mad she got those opportunities, changes her onscreen name to her legal name - Trinity Fatu - and says she demands respect!
Now keep that last line in mind for few segments...
Best: Brock Lesnar Is Not A Fan Of The Black People Part 4
So in a not-very-long line of wrestling PPV’s where Brock’s day is either ruined by black people (Royal Rumble, WrestleMania) or really, REALLY ruined by Black People (WrestleMania but later) it’s nice to see Brock finally beating the racial barriers and befriend these brothers from another mother.
Syke!
Unlike Royal Rumble or WrestleMania where Brock got super humiliated, this time he gets his payback. Oh boy does he get that. This match had a stipulation that it has to go at least for 10 minutes which means we get 10 minutes of Brock Lesnar absolutely beating the shit out of everyone involved. The most hilarious part to me personally is Lesnar countering Xavier Woods’ suicide dive by Alabama Slam with Striker saying greetings to Alabama. I’m sure the local Grand Wizard was pleased.
After the match Lesnar hangs Raiders from their testicles - like what they did to him in WrestleMania. This time I’m not even mad.
Worst: Foam Party Never Dies
Long time readers know that I don’t actually hate mythological or magical storylines. I do enjoy some cheesy silliness from time to time. I love Lucha Underground. I thought Glacier/Cat against Wrath/Mortuus was the greatest feud in the history of WCW. So as you might expect I actually wanted to see this match. They were teasing this mythological water beast for so long that I actually started to write my own speculative fan fiction how it’s going to be Glacier and shoot kick the shit out of Swagger.
Oh.
Worst: Speaking Of Things That Never Die
Remember about one hour ago when The Artist Formerly Known As Naomi was demanding respect? Well here she is again. Getting her tits massaged by Alicia Fox. Did WWE forget they were airing this later or something?
Oh well.
The segment is a NWO parody done by the members of BiHive doing the usual BiHive things we’ve seen for way too long now. You know, whipped cream and being naked and not much else. Not that I mind an NWO parody - honestly that was the only part I didn’t hate about this. I was so hopeful when few months ago they claimed that BiHive was going to die - only for them to bring it back instantly. Apparently BiHive merchandise still sells like Dolph Ziggler in a blender so what do I know. I guess this is a black culture thing and I’m not woke enough to understand.
Worst: Dusty Rhodes Is Spinning In His Grave
Say what you want about Dusty Rhodes but to me he was always misunderstood genius. His enthusiasm in WCW PPV’s was always joy to hear next to grumpy Schiavone or Weasel-hunting Lee Marshall. However his real impact on the wrestling business came as a booker - and even if that was controversial, he had at least one thing everyone agrees was an awesome concept. The War Games match.
So the way WWE honors his memory is to of course book a standard 5 versus 5 where the only way to win is to make one of your opponents give up and --
Haha, I’m so funny I sometimes wonder how I’m employed.
Of course not. They book a 3 versus 3 versus 3 and for the majority of the match they just keep hauling Bo Dallas into the ring with a new former TNA-star gear. It’s an awful mess and I don’t know how they could make it worse.
Worst: Holla, holla, holla!
THAT WASN’T MEANT TO BE A CHALLENGE!
As if it wasn’t confusing enough already, they bring out Teddy Long who does what he does best - adds people to the mix. So instead of getting 3 versus 3 versus 3 clusterfuck with at least people who know what to do in the ring, we get a 4 versus 4 versus 4 featuring such promising young talent as Dixie Carter, Stephanie McMahon and Linda McMahon. Sometimes I wonder if this promotion just wants to destroy itself.
Also some leaked internal documents suggest that the result of this match was changed last minute when they added these women to the mix. Which makes me to believe that Stephanie McMahon just didn’t want to be on the losing side. Just try to prove me wrong.
Worst: Two Rings, One Action
I think this is a good time to bring out the fact that the War Games match is the only match of the night where double ring gimmick was used. Remember how in WCW whenever there was an event with a War Games match or World War 3, the wrestler jumped from ring to ring all the time? I do and it was awesome.
The rest of the night wrestlers just casually ignore the second ring as if it wasn't there. They even try to crop it out of the image to the best of their abilities. If this isn't the lamest thing ever I don't know what is.
Best: “The American Badass” Viktor Of The Ascension
There are two kinds of people. Those who love Biker Taker and those who are wrong. It’s not the actual return of Biker Taker but it’s the closest thing I’ve had in 14 years so I’m taking it.
Best: I Wholeheartedly Welcome The New Generation Of Destruction
The Six Feet Under match is quite possibly the most entertaining entertainment brawl match of the whole year. It had multiple gimmicks going on, it was overbooked to the gills yet it never failed to be exciting or dull. Even the things I’d normally roll my eyes on like Eva Marie screaming so hard the ring gets all bloody worked in the story they were telling. They even had a cameo from the newly hired “The Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan himself! Somewhere out there Hogan is suddenly wondering why the water is not hot.
In the end the youngins group up and - in a big swerve I actually didn’t anticipate - they burn The Big Show, The Undertaker & Kane. I have to applaud WWE for making the mood. The whole thing was perfectly shot and directed. I guess thanks Kevin Dunn?
And since this was such a great emotional moment, I totally expect them to bring all of them back next tuesday.
Best: Ken Shamrock Is A Complete Dork
The special guest referee Ken Shamrock is being interviewed. He’s always been kind of awkward in wrestling style promos and this is no exception. However that fact makes this somehow hilarious. He uses weird phrases and has no convincing voice but somehow that makes this seem way more real than it should. I don’t know. Check it out yourself and flame me for being so wrong.
Worst: I Bet You’ve Heard Of This Already But Here We Are: Brooklyn Screwjob
I never thought I’d have to watch another one of these. Roman screwed Neville. I don’t think there’s even a point to talk about the rest of the match but I could always try.
The match starts exactly like their classic from Backlash with Reigns trying to hit a spear and Neville jumping out of the way - only to get hit with another one of those. That really starts the story where Neville’s ribs are broken from the start and Reigns slowly but surely beats him down - only for Neville to gain momentum every now and then. And in the grand finale, Neville was to turn to the dark side once again proving that being evil makes you powerful. Sounds good on paper in a cheesy way - and it honestly was a decent match. I still prefer the Backlash more simply because this felt a bit like a rehash but these two do have great chemistry together.
So, in the end Bayley - who for some stupid reason was supposedly kidnapped by Reigns and brought to ringside - gets released and lovers embrace. And then Neville starts to act more heelish and starts cheating to actually beat Reigns once and for all - and finally just before the grand finale -
A Screwjob happens.
An actual honest to god screwjob.
It’s absolutely sickening that something like this could happen in modern wrestling - especially when wrestling titles matter less and less every week. And even more because this was just work place bullying. Neville wasn’t a champion so there was no reason to take the title away forcibly. You could’ve just said to him that no, you’re not winning it and that’s that.
This is the worst thing to happen in WWE this year and that’s saying a lot.
Worst: 53-Year-Old Hardcore Legend Tries To Have A Match
But also
Best: 40-Year-Old Wrestling Prodigy Proves Why He Is The Greatest Of All Time
If you tried to tell me even a year ago that in the year 2017 I would be watching Mick Foley’s hardcore match and it would only be kind of sad, I would think you were crazy. That only tells how good AJ Styles is. I almost believed that at points Foley - or well, this “American Rasputin” - could actually win and the thought terrified me and I only got that because at times Styles looked like he was actually dead from all the suffering.
This is a pretty easy “best” to get but considering I had absolutely no interest in watching this match prior and somehow it turned out to be ok, I’m giving it a pass. Hey, at least it didn’t end in a screwjob.
And while Mick Foley was honestly pretty bad throughout the match, I have to at least give him kudos for taking one pretty insane bump - almost 20 years after his legendary Hell in a Cell fall. Apparently he got injured from it but that only means he’s still the toughest son of a bitch to ever lace a pair of boots.
I don’t even care that it’s Austin’s line.
Best: Brock Lesnar, The Great
After Styles won and celebrated with Dustin Rhodes (I refuse to make a comment about that storyline) out comes Brock Lesnar to challenge AJ Styles to the future. I immediately sacrificed Butch & Luke to the wrestling gods to thank them for this.
And that’s SummerSlam, folks. Brock Lesnar is going after AJ Styles, CM Punk made a return, Naomi has an identity crisis, Finn Balor is the new Undertaker and Roman Reigns screwed Neville. I’d say pretty eventful night. And at least this one didn't feature Jon Stewart joining The New Day so that's a plus.
Brayn olisi voinut tuoda takaisin kuvioihin monella eri tavalla (kuten esim. sillä Offarin ennakossa esitetyllä skenaariolla, joka olisi ollut kultaa), mutta tämä oli ehkä huonoin tapa. 
Itsehän olisin buukannut ottelun niin, että Samson olisi haudannut Ambrosen, minkä jälkeen Dean olisi kaapannut Luke Harperin kehon, ja SummerSlamissa olisi nähty Bray Wyattin ohjaaman Elias Samsonin ja Dean Ambrosen ohjaaman Luke Harperin välinen Buried Alive -matsi. Toki tämäkin kuvio on vielä pelastettavissa, mutta saa nähdä, riittääkö näistä lähtökohdista potkua SummerSlam-otteluun saakka. P.S. Rip in peace, Samson.
